Well…this is awkward.

 

So, I need to have a talk with you guys.  Everything was kind of not handled, yeah?  From Bendgate (or the iPhone 6 Pluses bending and breaking), to iOS 8.0.1 not…being tested with iPhone 6 and 6 Plus?  Yes.  Really.

 

This theory…may be hard to take depending on how you think of things.

 

I’m going to step through this as slowly as I can so that you guys understand this.

 

——

 

Remember when I talked about the Maps issue?  Apple fired Scott at that point.  But they also fired another person from the Maps team…who actually appears to be more crucial then Apple thought he was.  Josh Williams.

And by fired I mean Apple moved Josh from iOS Maps Quality Assurance to General iOS Quality Assurance.

 

Josh suddenly had to handle so many more things than just “make sure Maps works”.  He had to make sure every single thing on iOS works, including Handoff, which includes the Mac software team.

 

Remember, Tim Cook is a stickler for collaboration.  He feels that every single team, be it iOS, Mac, or Apple Watch, should band together as one to make products people love and use every day.

 

So poor Josh, having to move from Maps, which doesn’t always include the Mac team, to general iOS stuff, which almost always (at least now) includes the Mac team, means that he has to manage basically two teams.  Now here’s the rub:  Since everyone is interacting with everyone, because that’s the very definition of collaborating:  Surprise!  I lied!  Everyone has to manage every single team.

 

Now, let’s think about what this means.

 

——

 

Currently, there are 4 real teams (that we know about):  iPhone, iPad, Watch, and Macintosh.  I don’t know what happened to the iPod team.

 

It looks like Tim Cook is wanting every device to talk to one another, and become one big hub for your data.  (YES.  APPLE COLLECTS DATA.  EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO.  SHUSH UP.)  Tim Cook also wants the devices to embrace the user.  Yes, Steve Jobs did too, but Tim is way more lenient about how he does it.  He wants the user to have many more choices than what Apple has been offering before.  So, he made the system more open.  He introduced custom keyboards, he introduced Notification widgets.  Think of what this means for Apple’s teams:  the iPhone and iPad teams now have to deal with an entirely new category of possible viruses and code sections that can break, and two entirely new app environments.  Handoff requires the Mac and iOS teams to make a unified system to communicate full app states to each other.  The Watch introduces an entirely new team that has to make new innovations and create everything from scratch.

 

This is taxing for any company.  But Apple will get through it, right?  They only release products when they’re ready, correct?

 

Wrong.  I give you: iOS 8.0.1, the iPhone 6 Plus, and…Apple Watch.

——

I’m going to start with the iPhone 6 Plus, because, well, that phone should have worked, right?

 

In fact, it does work.  It works beautifully in every way.  It has a great camera, it runs very fast, Metal makes games look console-level, and everything is great (except Reachability, but OKAY FINE).  The only thing Apple didn’t seem to catch (and therefore Jony didn’t catch…somehow…) is that if you put the phone in your back pocket (assuming you can get it in there in the first place), and sit down, the radial pressure caused by your rounded buttock can bend the phone around its lengthwise axis, and, oddly, the material that the phone is made out of is not springy enough to bend itself back into place, so when you do take the phone out of your pocket, you will find that the phone is permanently bent around the middle.  Come the hell on, Apple!  Even I figured that out, and I don’t have an iPhone 6 Plus!

———

Now, for iOS 8.0.1.

 

This may rub some Apple fans the wrong way if they somehow have never heard of it.  And I am sorry.

 

So, iOS 8 apparently still had some problems with carrier signals and Safari and a few other things.  So, predictably, Apple released iOS 8.0.1, which was meant to fix those issues.  And it did…for every iPhone except the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.  For those two iPhones only, iOS 8.0.1 completely destroyed them.  The iPhones started not being able to connect to cell towers at all, some iPhones said the Wi-Fi was fine but couldn’t connect, Touch ID completely broke.  It got so bad, that Apple literally had to take down the 8.0.1 update file from the update servers.  Then it released iOS 8.0.2, which was supposed to fix iOS 8.0.1, and also the problems that iOS 8.0.1 was supposed to fix in the first place.  But iOS 8.0.2 bricked my phone.  But then I got it working.  Why.

 

This isn’t making a lot of sense to you right now, but I got one more thing that will hint at the answer, and then I’ll tell you the answer.

———

Finally, the Apple Watch.  It is unfinished.

 

Yeah, Apple actually announced a product they weren’t done with yet.  It makes sense if you look at the home screen.  The home screen is composed of circular app icons, that shrink near the edges and gives you kind of a bubbly feeling when you move it around.  It seems to me like the Apple Watch they showed was only rectangular because that was the shape they were using in development, because that’s the shape all their other products are.  When the Apple Watch is released, it might be actually circular, and maybe the apps will be a little more cleaned up (the Photos app needs a lot of love though, right now it has none).

 

———

 

If you haven’t figured it out yet, here’s the answer:  Apple is doing way too much at once.

 

But not in terms of products, in terms of functionality.  Apple’s teams are stretched way too thin trying to cover Handoff, custom keyboards, and widgets, and Apple Watch, and OS X Yosemite, and whatever else they’re doing in secret.

 

This doesn’t mean the quality will drop.  No, I believe that Apple employees are so used to not doing ANYTHING until they’re sure they have a good idea, that they’ll just keep doing that even if the situation is dire and things are tense.

 

But little things will be skipped.  Not testing the iPhone 6’s rigidity height wise, for example.  Or not testing iOS 8.0.1 on the new phones (even though I think both of those problems are COMPLETE BULLSHIT…for a company, they’re the little things).

 

And now I have someone to blame!  Kevin Lynch!

I am really confused.

 

Who built the hardware again?  No I’m serious, that question is a valid one to me.

Take a look at the Digital Crown.  First of all, it’s not digital, it’s physical.  Second…it’s too small for anything!  When I first saw it I thought “Eh, you might not be able to twist the thing while it’s on your wrist, but I’ll just treat it like a computer mouse’s scroll wheel.”…well, then I took a massive amount of screenshots from the Apple ad depicting all the watch’s features…and I noticed the Digital Crown was way too small for even a mouse’s scroll wheel.  You have to be very precise to be able to turn the damn thing.  Sure it looks good in all the ads…but everything looks good in all the ads.

 

Keep in mind, that last thought is part of a huge theory I’m developing about Apple’s new and “improved” strategy for its product cycles.

 

SO…there is a massive amount of things we have to go over in order to understand everything about this watch.  And by the time you reach the end, at least some of you will have decided that the Watch is nothing but a big pile of poop.

——

The Boot Screen

–

Yes, I’m starting with the boot screen.  “But…why are you talking about the boot screen?”  You ask.  “Isn’t it just the same old white Apple logo?”

Well, no.  I’m actually only 99.95% convinced of this myself, but it was in the ads, and it looks like a possible boot screen to me, so here it is:

 

 

Yes, that is what I THINK the boot screen will be.  First off there is way too much on the screen especially if you’re not expecting it and it’s your first time booting up the watch.  Second, take a look at all the text in that boot screen.

From the top:

“38MM CASE ・316L STAINLESS STEEL ・SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL・CERAMIC BACK”

 

Ummm…we don’t need to know this.  Also, it’s cluttered.  Also, this is what it looks like in German (via Google Translate, I corrected formatting):

“38MM GEHÄUSE AUS · 316L EDELSTAHL  ·  SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL · KERAMIK ZURÃœCK”

 

It’s slightly longer.  Fit that in, Apple.  I hate this boot screen.

 

——

The Home Screen

–

So since the boot screen was so cluttered, what do you think the Home Screen will look like?  Well, it’s the first time you will interact with the watch, so it should be easy to navigate, yeah?  Well:

 

 

Yes, that’s the Home Screen.  It looks really cluttered, as in if you have fat fingers, you’re kind of SOL.  Also, that is 27 apps on that screen alone.  I counted.  And that is the first, undoctored screen.  The Digital Crown was not used to zoom out.  Wanna know what happens when you zoom out?  Because you can zoom out.  And this happens:

That is 50 apps.  I swear, I counted this too.  And that’s not even the total amount of apps on the watch.  Wanna know the total number?  64.  I didn’t count this one, my dad told me that someone else counted every single app that they showed, and the number was 64.  Sixty-four total apps on the stock version of the Watch.  You feeling okay, Apple?

 

——

The Photos App

–

Because it’s a thing:

 

That is all.  Please storm Apple Campus at your leisure.

 

I’m done.  I’m just done.

 

But there is one thing that interests me.  It’s that thing I termed IntiTalk in my last post:

I would really like this, actually.

But it has a few problems.

 

Yes, it’s an entirely new and intimate/interesting way to communicate, but…does it only work on the Watch?  Because if it does…what if you don’t have an Watch?  Where does the message go?  I mean, I guess the Taptic Engine signals can cue the iPhone’s vibrator into action, and the images you send each other can be iMessage images on the iPhone…but that’s a little clunky.  Is there a hidden screen in iOS 8 that mimics an Watch’s screen when this sort of message is received [god dammit, I keep typing “iWatch”]?

There are things Apple needs to say.  Like, a lot of things.  Like, battery life.

 

I don’t know if any of you noticed, but do you remember Apple talking about the Watch’s battery life?  I don’t.  The only place I heard about it was from a news article about some person getting the information through an Apple employee during the demo after the keynote:  About a day.

 

I saw that coming.  The Watch does so much shit that it’s surprising it doesn’t get really really hot.  Or maybe it does, I don’t know!

 

What am I going to do with you, Apple…what is going on?  What happened?  Did Jony lose half his brain?  Did Jony get trapped in his white box of a design studio?  Did Tim Cook fail to imitate Steve?

 

That’s one thing everyone needs to stop yelling about.  Tim Cook will not be able to imitate Steve.  Did anyone read the part in Tim’s history when Steve Jobs, as he was dying, basically said “Don’t ever start thinking about what I would have done.  I have seen too many companies freeze up and stop moving forward because all they could think about was what their predecessor would have done.”

 

So this is the new world order.  I hope you guys like this.  I’ll get used to it.

I will also make it even worse, so if you’re already crying, stop reading now.

 

——

Apple hired someone who used to work with Flash at Adobe

–

NOW GO CRY IN A CORNER

 

I swear, I didn’t make this up.  Apple hired Kevin Lynch, former CTO (Chief Technology Officer) of Adobe for its Watch Software division.  Tim Cook is pulling out all the stops, forget this thing.

 

That is all I will say.

 

 

 

WOW

This was a big keynote.  And not just because Apple unveiled the Watch.  But also because of the huge fail that was the derpy livestream and the stupid Chinese translator woman thing whatever.

 

I’m going to be talking about all of these things at once in this post.  I don’t care if this makes the post awkward to read.  Shut up.

 

——

The huge fail

–

What the fuck happened here?  Did Apple not even realize what would happen if the entire Internet started screaming about Apple unveiling the first shit-ton of innovation since Steve Jobs died?  I mean wow, the servers acted like crap!  And the only reason for this was that everyone was watching!  And unless you live under a rock in Antartica and are not human, you’ll understand how fandoms act in general.  Just look at the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (MLP:FiM) fandom!  I should know!  I’m part of it!

So I actually have some science about what actually happened.  So sit down and let me explain.

There is a main server which the video is initially streamed to.  That main server then streams the video to a bunch of other servers, that are in turn connected to switch boxes.  Whenever a client computer requests a video stream, it connects to a switch box.  That switch box then reroutes that client to one of the secondary servers, and that secondary server begins streaming the video to the client.

So here’s the problem:  Every single person on Earth was streaming.  So the secondary servers were barely keeping up.  In fact they were SO overburdened, that they couldn’t even request the stream from the main server correctly.  So what would happen is one of the secondary servers might be so strained that it will actually introduce a massive delay in the video stream.  So the client computer might be doing okay until its secondary server freezes from too many requests.  Then the computer user refreshes his browser.  So the client reconnects to the switch box, which connects the client to a different secondary server.  The issue here is that other secondary server had been so strained from before, that it is actually playing a piece of the stream from 3 minutes or more ago.

And that is just bad.  Taking a leaf from The Apple Byte: “That is a Bad Apple! *really realistic screaming noise and a picture of an evil apple*”

 

Now the Chinese translator.  I actually don’t hate her anymore.  I’ve figured that it was just a simple mistake of crossed wires.  Her audio track probably got on the English-language audio track by total accident.

But if it wasn’t an accident, then I have to ask…WHY.  It doesn’t seem like Apple to have two different language tracks running at the same time without even majorly ducking the English track (ducking meaning lowering the volume of).

In fact even if it WAS an accident, then…HOW?  How did Apple miss that detail?  It’s known for securing details so that everything just works!

Someone told me it was Apple reaching out to China.  And to that I say go home and sit in the corner.  It was just bad execution.

 

——

The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus

–

Bigger screens Apple?  Getting cold feet are we, Apple?  Designing an entirely new feature called Reachability that very awkwardly slides the entire screen downward just so you can reach the top of the interface with one hand?

Yeah…they’re cheating by forcing innovation just for the sake of catching up with the competition.  Hey, at least Reachability will prevent some of the tech support calls calling out Apple for making devices harder to use.

The first time I saw the screen slide downward, I thought “split screen!”  But nope.  It literally is just so your one hand can do things all on its own.  Because smaller is better…oh wait.

Some new camera stuff made it in as well.  Cool.  The iPhone is getting even farther into being not a phone but an iEverything.

And Apple Pay (Pay).  I love it.  Your credit card is now diamonds (or at least it will be in October). Do-do-doo-doo-doo-do-do-do.

——

The Watch

–

Holy hell.  Jony has really plastered his name all over this one.  It looks like it would be an absolute joy to use.  Especially with the gaddamn-ly cute smiley faces.  Who the hell could hate those guys??

LOOK AT HIM!  Isn’t he the cutest? (Screenshot directly from Apple’s Keynote)

 

It’s also jam-packed with everything including the kitchen sink (and you could make an app for that).  Er, sorry, I should of said:  It’s jam-packed with everything including the entire solar system.  Yes…you can view the current position of every single planet in the solar system, on a screen that’s smaller than your iPhone 3G.  Why?  When would you use this on a daily basis?  I dunno…but it’s cool.

 

Now for the new form of communication…hmmmmmm.  This will be very interesting.

They didn’t actually give it a name, so for the moment I’ll refer to it as IntiTalk (intimate talking).

 

With IntiTalk you can tap to another person on the Watch screen.  Just activate IntiTalk by pressing the Contacts button (because that’s all the side button does apparently), then tapping on the contacts picture of the person you want to talk to, then tap on the screen or draw something, and the other person’s Watch will alert them and recreate the taps or drawing.  You can also send other people your heartbeat by placing two fingers on the IntiTalk interface.  Sending other people your heartbeat…do any hospitals want to jump on the Apple bus yet?  I can’t tell.

 

There’s so much shit packed into this thing that I don’t know what to go after next.  Maps?  Passbook?  Fitness?

Maps has an interface.  Like, a map interface.  You can see a map on the freaking tiny screen.  Apple is destined to push computers until even technology itself can’t keep up and Apple has to move to stem cells and organic components.  Then humanity won’t be able to keep up and they will lock Apple in jail for life.

 

The Option-Shift-KWatch–oops, I mean the Watch will also become your personal fitness trainer.  It will annoy you for days and days to go out and exercise while you yell at it to shut up and throw Cheeto bags at it.

 

Wow apple.  IntiTalk (Antitank??  Really autocorrect?!?  What even is that?), goofy smiley faces, the fact that you actually went with the smallest screen in the world, the soloar system on your wrist…

 

I only have one thing to say:

 

 

 

 

 

#freejonyive

 

I’m kidding.  I honestly think Jony has finally adjusted to software.  Jony’s great for Apple.  Apple needs Jony.

[WARNING:  Major swearing ahead]

 

Um.

 

I don’t even.  You can view the entire solar system on your watch, complete with 3D animated emoji with editable widgets and heartbeat readings while an Asian lady constantly prattles on and your livestream goes down the toilet.

 

That was the most incredible and awkward thing I have ever seen.

 

Oh my fucking god…*runs away laughing and beats Tim Cook over the head with a spork*

 

…and now I can’t lead in to anything.  So ABRUPT SHIFT.

 

The iWatch.  Or I guess we’re supposed to call it the Apple Watch…or Watch.

 

—AHHHH–*crash*

 

Sorry, what?  Oh yeah.

 

It has a clock, yes…but it also has the solar system.  You can literally see the current position of EACH OF THE PLANETS.

LET ME SAY THAT LOUDER:
YOU CAN VIEW THE CURRENT POSITION OF EVERY SINGLE PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM ON YOUR WATCH. WHY

As you can tell, I can’t even process this correctly.  This entire livestream.  The Asian lady.

The…

The…

The Asian lady needs to get a life.  Seriously.  Don’t make an Apple Keynote harder to hear to get more fans, because that won’t get you more fans.

 

You will notice they got rid of her halfway through.  Um, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET HER JUST TO GET RID OF HER????

 

And the GOD FUCKING SERVER OVERLOADS.  This is the best keynote Apple could ever stream because it contains a completely new product, and the damn servers fucked it up!!  I finally had to go over to twit.com, and Dad even had to suggest it to me because I didn’t even know it existed!  And even Twit had issues!  Not with their side, but with the Apple livestream itself!

 

Twitter exploded!  Apple fans died of shock!  Steve Jobs’s ghost took over the world in a fit of rage!  Watch critics’s heads exploded!  There was blood, ghosts and anarchy everywhere!
THIS WAS THE WORST.  AND THE BEST.  AND THE MOST AWKWARD.  KEYNOTE.  OF. ALL. TIME.

Hey you guys. Hey guys: A wearable is coming out.

 

Yeah, you’ll soon be able to bling out with Apple merch and pimp your swag…sorry.

 

 

Anyway, what actually is happening tomorrow?

A keynote.  What kind of keynote?  An iPhone 6 keynote.  The iPhone 6 is going to be thinner and faster and sleeker and shinier and sexier and…other things…….yeah.

 

But what’s this about a wearable?  A completely new product?  A thing that so many Apple fans are going to scrutinize VERRRRRY closely in order to determine if Apple still has Steve Job’s DNA inside of it?  A thing that fans are calling…the iWatch?

 

Yup.  A timepeice.  A clock.  Apple is making a clock.  But it won’t be just any clock.  You can wear it on your wrist, and if you can wear it on your wrist, you can track movement.  And if you can track movement, you can tie it in with another new app in iOS 8:  Health.  No, it’s not called Healthbook anymore, it’s just called Health.

 

So…what is this iWatch and how will it work?

 

The internet has no freaking clue.  And if the internet has no clue, then Apple is doing its job protecting its products.

 

Just watch:  The iWatch will come up on the projector screen.  It’s sexy curves and expertly machined metal exterior will wow the audience.  Jony Ive will get poetic about how great it is.  Tim Cook will rant on and on…

And then it will become clear that the iWatch does 2, maybe 3 things because of the damn screen size.  You’re welcome, now here’s an asprin.

 

 

As for the iPhone?

 

Well…it’s an iPhone.  Sorry to disappoint, but barring the addition of third-party keyboards which Android has, widgets which Android has, NFC which Android has, Android parts which Android has…it’s just going to be a new iPhone.  Combined with a Nike fuel band and $1,000,000 worth of hospital equipment (oh wait, what am I trying to say again?)

 

HA, just kidding.  Look below the surface you guys.  It helps.

 

On the software side, I’ll expect the Gold Master beta version of iOS 8 to come out after the keynote.  If you don’t know what a Gold Master version is, it’s the final beta version before the software goes public.

And if there isn’t a “One More Thing” at the end, the audience will explode with broken traditions.

 

Maybe the “One More Thing” will be the iWatch.

Maybe the “One More Thing” will be an actual TV set for Apple TV.

Maybe it will be a second completely new product.

Maybe…