I am really confused.

 

Who built the hardware again?  No I’m serious, that question is a valid one to me.

Take a look at the Digital Crown.  First of all, it’s not digital, it’s physical.  Second…it’s too small for anything!  When I first saw it I thought “Eh, you might not be able to twist the thing while it’s on your wrist, but I’ll just treat it like a computer mouse’s scroll wheel.”…well, then I took a massive amount of screenshots from the Apple ad depicting all the watch’s features…and I noticed the Digital Crown was way too small for even a mouse’s scroll wheel.  You have to be very precise to be able to turn the damn thing.  Sure it looks good in all the ads…but everything looks good in all the ads.

 

Keep in mind, that last thought is part of a huge theory I’m developing about Apple’s new and “improved” strategy for its product cycles.

 

SO…there is a massive amount of things we have to go over in order to understand everything about this watch.  And by the time you reach the end, at least some of you will have decided that the Watch is nothing but a big pile of poop.

——

The Boot Screen

–

Yes, I’m starting with the boot screen.  “But…why are you talking about the boot screen?”  You ask.  “Isn’t it just the same old white Apple logo?”

Well, no.  I’m actually only 99.95% convinced of this myself, but it was in the ads, and it looks like a possible boot screen to me, so here it is:

 

 

Yes, that is what I THINK the boot screen will be.  First off there is way too much on the screen especially if you’re not expecting it and it’s your first time booting up the watch.  Second, take a look at all the text in that boot screen.

From the top:

“38MM CASE ・316L STAINLESS STEEL ・SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL・CERAMIC BACK”

 

Ummm…we don’t need to know this.  Also, it’s cluttered.  Also, this is what it looks like in German (via Google Translate, I corrected formatting):

“38MM GEHÄUSE AUS · 316L EDELSTAHL  ·  SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL · KERAMIK ZURÃœCK”

 

It’s slightly longer.  Fit that in, Apple.  I hate this boot screen.

 

——

The Home Screen

–

So since the boot screen was so cluttered, what do you think the Home Screen will look like?  Well, it’s the first time you will interact with the watch, so it should be easy to navigate, yeah?  Well:

 

 

Yes, that’s the Home Screen.  It looks really cluttered, as in if you have fat fingers, you’re kind of SOL.  Also, that is 27 apps on that screen alone.  I counted.  And that is the first, undoctored screen.  The Digital Crown was not used to zoom out.  Wanna know what happens when you zoom out?  Because you can zoom out.  And this happens:

That is 50 apps.  I swear, I counted this too.  And that’s not even the total amount of apps on the watch.  Wanna know the total number?  64.  I didn’t count this one, my dad told me that someone else counted every single app that they showed, and the number was 64.  Sixty-four total apps on the stock version of the Watch.  You feeling okay, Apple?

 

——

The Photos App

–

Because it’s a thing:

 

That is all.  Please storm Apple Campus at your leisure.

 

I’m done.  I’m just done.

 

But there is one thing that interests me.  It’s that thing I termed IntiTalk in my last post:

I would really like this, actually.

But it has a few problems.

 

Yes, it’s an entirely new and intimate/interesting way to communicate, but…does it only work on the Watch?  Because if it does…what if you don’t have an Watch?  Where does the message go?  I mean, I guess the Taptic Engine signals can cue the iPhone’s vibrator into action, and the images you send each other can be iMessage images on the iPhone…but that’s a little clunky.  Is there a hidden screen in iOS 8 that mimics an Watch’s screen when this sort of message is received [god dammit, I keep typing “iWatch”]?

There are things Apple needs to say.  Like, a lot of things.  Like, battery life.

 

I don’t know if any of you noticed, but do you remember Apple talking about the Watch’s battery life?  I don’t.  The only place I heard about it was from a news article about some person getting the information through an Apple employee during the demo after the keynote:  About a day.

 

I saw that coming.  The Watch does so much shit that it’s surprising it doesn’t get really really hot.  Or maybe it does, I don’t know!

 

What am I going to do with you, Apple…what is going on?  What happened?  Did Jony lose half his brain?  Did Jony get trapped in his white box of a design studio?  Did Tim Cook fail to imitate Steve?

 

That’s one thing everyone needs to stop yelling about.  Tim Cook will not be able to imitate Steve.  Did anyone read the part in Tim’s history when Steve Jobs, as he was dying, basically said “Don’t ever start thinking about what I would have done.  I have seen too many companies freeze up and stop moving forward because all they could think about was what their predecessor would have done.”

 

So this is the new world order.  I hope you guys like this.  I’ll get used to it.

I will also make it even worse, so if you’re already crying, stop reading now.

 

——

Apple hired someone who used to work with Flash at Adobe

–

NOW GO CRY IN A CORNER

 

I swear, I didn’t make this up.  Apple hired Kevin Lynch, former CTO (Chief Technology Officer) of Adobe for its Watch Software division.  Tim Cook is pulling out all the stops, forget this thing.

 

That is all I will say.

 

 

 

WOW