The Apple Keynote #applewatch #iphone6 #applefail

This was a big keynote.  And not just because Apple unveiled the Watch.  But also because of the huge fail that was the derpy livestream and the stupid Chinese translator woman thing whatever.

 

I’m going to be talking about all of these things at once in this post.  I don’t care if this makes the post awkward to read.  Shut up.

 

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The huge fail

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What the fuck happened here?  Did Apple not even realize what would happen if the entire Internet started screaming about Apple unveiling the first shit-ton of innovation since Steve Jobs died?  I mean wow, the servers acted like crap!  And the only reason for this was that everyone was watching!  And unless you live under a rock in Antartica and are not human, you’ll understand how fandoms act in general.  Just look at the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (MLP:FiM) fandom!  I should know!  I’m part of it!

So I actually have some science about what actually happened.  So sit down and let me explain.

There is a main server which the video is initially streamed to.  That main server then streams the video to a bunch of other servers, that are in turn connected to switch boxes.  Whenever a client computer requests a video stream, it connects to a switch box.  That switch box then reroutes that client to one of the secondary servers, and that secondary server begins streaming the video to the client.

So here’s the problem:  Every single person on Earth was streaming.  So the secondary servers were barely keeping up.  In fact they were SO overburdened, that they couldn’t even request the stream from the main server correctly.  So what would happen is one of the secondary servers might be so strained that it will actually introduce a massive delay in the video stream.  So the client computer might be doing okay until its secondary server freezes from too many requests.  Then the computer user refreshes his browser.  So the client reconnects to the switch box, which connects the client to a different secondary server.  The issue here is that other secondary server had been so strained from before, that it is actually playing a piece of the stream from 3 minutes or more ago.

And that is just bad.  Taking a leaf from The Apple Byte: “That is a Bad Apple! *really realistic screaming noise and a picture of an evil apple*”

 

Now the Chinese translator.  I actually don’t hate her anymore.  I’ve figured that it was just a simple mistake of crossed wires.  Her audio track probably got on the English-language audio track by total accident.

But if it wasn’t an accident, then I have to ask…WHY.  It doesn’t seem like Apple to have two different language tracks running at the same time without even majorly ducking the English track (ducking meaning lowering the volume of).

In fact even if it WAS an accident, then…HOW?  How did Apple miss that detail?  It’s known for securing details so that everything just works!

Someone told me it was Apple reaching out to China.  And to that I say go home and sit in the corner.  It was just bad execution.

 

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The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus

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Bigger screens Apple?  Getting cold feet are we, Apple?  Designing an entirely new feature called Reachability that very awkwardly slides the entire screen downward just so you can reach the top of the interface with one hand?

Yeah…they’re cheating by forcing innovation just for the sake of catching up with the competition.  Hey, at least Reachability will prevent some of the tech support calls calling out Apple for making devices harder to use.

The first time I saw the screen slide downward, I thought “split screen!”  But nope.  It literally is just so your one hand can do things all on its own.  Because smaller is better…oh wait.

Some new camera stuff made it in as well.  Cool.  The iPhone is getting even farther into being not a phone but an iEverything.

And Apple Pay (Pay).  I love it.  Your credit card is now diamonds (or at least it will be in October). Do-do-doo-doo-doo-do-do-do.

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The Watch

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Holy hell.  Jony has really plastered his name all over this one.  It looks like it would be an absolute joy to use.  Especially with the gaddamn-ly cute smiley faces.  Who the hell could hate those guys??

LOOK AT HIM!  Isn’t he the cutest? (Screenshot directly from Apple’s Keynote)

 

It’s also jam-packed with everything including the kitchen sink (and you could make an app for that).  Er, sorry, I should of said:  It’s jam-packed with everything including the entire solar system.  Yes…you can view the current position of every single planet in the solar system, on a screen that’s smaller than your iPhone 3G.  Why?  When would you use this on a daily basis?  I dunno…but it’s cool.

 

Now for the new form of communication…hmmmmmm.  This will be very interesting.

They didn’t actually give it a name, so for the moment I’ll refer to it as IntiTalk (intimate talking).

 

With IntiTalk you can tap to another person on the Watch screen.  Just activate IntiTalk by pressing the Contacts button (because that’s all the side button does apparently), then tapping on the contacts picture of the person you want to talk to, then tap on the screen or draw something, and the other person’s Watch will alert them and recreate the taps or drawing.  You can also send other people your heartbeat by placing two fingers on the IntiTalk interface.  Sending other people your heartbeat…do any hospitals want to jump on the Apple bus yet?  I can’t tell.

 

There’s so much shit packed into this thing that I don’t know what to go after next.  Maps?  Passbook?  Fitness?

Maps has an interface.  Like, a map interface.  You can see a map on the freaking tiny screen.  Apple is destined to push computers until even technology itself can’t keep up and Apple has to move to stem cells and organic components.  Then humanity won’t be able to keep up and they will lock Apple in jail for life.

 

The Option-Shift-KWatch–oops, I mean the Watch will also become your personal fitness trainer.  It will annoy you for days and days to go out and exercise while you yell at it to shut up and throw Cheeto bags at it.

 

Wow apple.  IntiTalk (Antitank??  Really autocorrect?!?  What even is that?), goofy smiley faces, the fact that you actually went with the smallest screen in the world, the soloar system on your wrist…

 

I only have one thing to say:

 

 

 

 

 

#freejonyive

 

I’m kidding.  I honestly think Jony has finally adjusted to software.  Jony’s great for Apple.  Apple needs Jony.