What the fuck just happened #applewatch #wtf #apple

[WARNING:  Major swearing ahead]

 

Um.

 

I don’t even.  You can view the entire solar system on your watch, complete with 3D animated emoji with editable widgets and heartbeat readings while an Asian lady constantly prattles on and your livestream goes down the toilet.

 

That was the most incredible and awkward thing I have ever seen.

 

Oh my fucking god…*runs away laughing and beats Tim Cook over the head with a spork*

 

…and now I can’t lead in to anything.  So ABRUPT SHIFT.

 

The iWatch.  Or I guess we’re supposed to call it the Apple Watch…or Watch.

 

—AHHHH–*crash*

 

Sorry, what?  Oh yeah.

 

It has a clock, yes…but it also has the solar system.  You can literally see the current position of EACH OF THE PLANETS.

LET ME SAY THAT LOUDER:
YOU CAN VIEW THE CURRENT POSITION OF EVERY SINGLE PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM ON YOUR WATCH. WHY

As you can tell, I can’t even process this correctly.  This entire livestream.  The Asian lady.

The…

The…

The Asian lady needs to get a life.  Seriously.  Don’t make an Apple Keynote harder to hear to get more fans, because that won’t get you more fans.

 

You will notice they got rid of her halfway through.  Um, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET HER JUST TO GET RID OF HER????

 

And the GOD FUCKING SERVER OVERLOADS.  This is the best keynote Apple could ever stream because it contains a completely new product, and the damn servers fucked it up!!  I finally had to go over to twit.com, and Dad even had to suggest it to me because I didn’t even know it existed!  And even Twit had issues!  Not with their side, but with the Apple livestream itself!

 

Twitter exploded!  Apple fans died of shock!  Steve Jobs’s ghost took over the world in a fit of rage!  Watch critics’s heads exploded!  There was blood, ghosts and anarchy everywhere!
THIS WAS THE WORST.  AND THE BEST.  AND THE MOST AWKWARD.  KEYNOTE.  OF. ALL. TIME.