Month: June 2015

Interesting.  They actually kept the code name.  Or maybe it was the real name all along.  Their intelligent iPhone assistant is called Proactive.

…it’s fitting, I don’t care.

What I do care about is that it’s almost here!  Finally Apple can scrape off users from Google Now…or to put it in a way that makes me feel better (as an Apple fan anyway), Apple can make your life even easier and turn you into even more of a couch potato.

And something else interesting:  Android Migration.  Yes everyone, Apple has made an app for Android that transfers all available data from your Android to your iOS device, exactly like Windows Migration does.  And I can’t say that in a way that makes me feel better.

And yes, that was not in the keynote, but it’s interesting.

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Proactive Assistant

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Good job, Apple!  You managed to stuff App suggestions and contact suggestions in without compromising privacy!  I hope!

And Search!  And news!  And weather!  And basically combining the features of several apps into one convenient screen!  Screw you, Google, here’s another Google!

…It’s actually not as interesting as I thought it would be.  The only notable thing is that Siri understands context now!  You can now call her up and say “Remind me about this tomorrow.”, and Siri will notice that you were looking at a webpage before you activated her, and will set a reminder to remind you about whatever’s on that page.

The thing about the suggestions, though, is that they’re completely based on context and intelligence (on-device, though my dad just doesn’t believe that).  Cyoar!

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The new iPad Experience

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Fantastic!  Apple finally learned from the Buddha of business who has been screaming from his mountaintop at the top of his lungs:  “BUSINESS OWNERS NEED MORE THAN ONE APP TO BE PRODUCTIVE ON A SCREEN THAT’S BIGGER THAN A MOUSEPAD!!”  Split-screen apps and a keyboard trackpad for the cursor!  Text cursor, not cursor cursor!  Brilliance!  Everyone will be so pleased, and I mean EVERYONE!  It’s going to—what?

Oh.  Split-screen won’t be available for iPad 2 and 3?  Even though they’re also getting iOS 9?

…okay…

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WatchOS 2.0

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…well…it’s fixed!  No more waiting for apps to load.  Also some other things but no one cares because it’s a f**king watch.  I’m sorry, I am annoyed.  I’ll shush now.

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OS X El Capitan

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Buenos días, el capitán! ¿Quieres que tu orden de “sopa Q” hoy en día, o te gustaría viajar a las estrellas conmigo? – [EDIT:  This is dumb.  Do not translate.]

Sorry.  My Star Trek was showing.

The instant Craig said it, I didn’t like it…but it’s been growing on me.  Some iOS feature ports and more refining!  Yay!

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Apple Music

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[And without even starting this part, I can tell that this is the point where I’m basically going to call Apple an idiot.  Just warning you.]

 

…the fuck are you doing?  Jimmy Iovine is an 80’s nerd.  You needed to teach him the basics of Apple BEFORE letting him onstage!!

Ok, so here’s what I’m talking about.  What did Jimmy say?  He said (paraphrased) “Our radio station ‘Beats 1’ is not going to be curated by an algorithim.  A computer just cannot get that emotional flow that you get with a regular human being.  And because of this, Beats 1 is only going to play the music that you want to hear.  Only the best gets on Beats 1.”

Okay…first off, “the best music” is subjective.  Second off, THAT’S WHAT MACHINE LEARNING IS FOR!!!!!  Isn’t that what Apple does best??  Making machines be more HUMAN??  HUMANIZING THE EXPERIENCE?!?!  CATERING TO HUMANS VIA THINGS LIKE SIRI AND

*CRASH!*

…ow.  What I’m saying, is if you don’t have the technology, don’t try for it!  Don’t risk things…

oohhh no.  I see what people are saying when they say that Apple has no people who can say “no” anymore.

I…I just dismissed that because…Steve Jobs couldn’t have been the ONLY person able to say no…

…

…and Apple turned into an idiot…?

*Windows BSOD screen*

The keynote is very soon, everyone, and what comes with it is some pretty cool stuff.

 

I think.

 

For one, Apple is announcing Proactive, a feature of iOS 9 that aims to slap Google Now in the butt.  Except Apple isn’t really known for slapping Google’s butt, so to make Apple fans happy let’s just say that Apple wants to make your life two-hundred times easier by introducing smart contextual actions.

Also, iOS 9 is going to be STABLE.  Because…it wasn’t before.  For some reason.

 

The Apple TV is not going to make an appearance, apparently, because Apple couldn’t get the hardware working.

 

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…I’m slightly out of it today.  One because while one of the main points of the Apple Watch is to communicate with the iPhone, the communication itself is STUPID slow.  2.  Why the hell couldn’t they get iOS 7 to be stable, and then make iOS 8 even more unstable, and THEN go for stability??  I mean I know Apple critics call Apple slow sometimes but this is so slow it violates their values…in my head at least.

And then that HORRENDOUSLY handled keynote last year…I just don’t get it.

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Sorry.  I had to get that out.

 

So let’s talk about Proactive.

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Proactive is Apple’s version of Google Now (or of they really try it’ll be Apple’s version of Google Now On Tap).  And it will be placed to the left side of the first Home Screen page just like where Spotlight was originally.  Its goal is to make everything easier by lumping your calendar events, apps you use most often (based on time of day it seems), and other things all in one screen.

Just like Notification Center…what?  You said Notification Center doesn’t have app links?  Sure it does, in a widget called Launcher.

Because it has widgets…did you forget Apple tried way too hard in iOS 8…

 

One thing my dad pointed out is that Proactive can’t really do anything too smart unless it collects data and sends it to Apple.  As in Apple tracks you. Everything about you, anytime.

Actually, Apple already does that with Spotlight.  It gathers your Spotlight searches and which entry you tap and tracks that data.

…I just hope Apple doesn’t try to sell the data Proactive gathers.  [NOTE:  I have no idea how this selling data thing works or why it happens, and I don’t want to know.]

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Also there’s going to be some dedicated HomeKit app or something…

…and I already said everything was going to be more stable…finally…

 

[[Jeezus.  I sounded so jumpy and bored at the same time in this post.  Reading so many critical reviews on Apple products has thrown me for a loop.  I would thank each and every one of them for giving me some much-needed perspective, but…they gave me some perspective on a company that did so well and now is not doing well at all (in terms of their goals, which is mostly the completely unhindered user experience).  I literally have no idea whether to be blindly excited/hopeful for Apple products or just hope that their good or to assume that they’ll suck.  And now I miss Steve Jobs.  I hope his ghost is brainstorming some ideas or something.]]