So I know Apple fans are already yelling:

“That question doesn’t make sense!  The iPhone is innovative because it defined the mobile phone category and intuitive because it’s so easy to use!  The iPad is innovative because it dramatically improved the working and creative environments and intuitive for the same reason as the iPhone!  The Apple Watch is innovative because it will define the watch category and intuitive for the same reason again!”

So…let’s zero in to the Apple Watch’s Digital Crown.

Is it intuitive?  Yes.  Because it rotates, you can scroll lists with it and zoom in and out of things.

But now look at your mouse.  It most likely has a scroll wheel.  Is that intuitive?  Yes.  Because it rotates, you can scroll lists and zoom in and out of things.

So is the Digital Crown innovative?  No, because it’s been used for the exact same things in that basic form.

Is it innovative in the sense that it is being used as an option to a touch screen?  I say “option” because even though the Digital Crown scrolls lists, for some reason you can still use your finger on the screen to scroll the lists.

Well…yes…no one’s probably thought of using a scroll wheel in conjunction with a touch screen…

But the Digital Crown alone is not innovative.  And it’s actually NOT immediately intuitive either.  Let me explain.  Put down that pitch fork.

—

You’ve probably have handled a normal watch before.  It has an analog watch face, it looks shiny, and it has that little crown on the side that you use to wind it.  Now you come into contact with an Apple Watch.  The screen wakes up, and because of a second of it not doing anything you try to wind it because DID I MENTION THE APPLE WATCH ALSO LAGS…sorry.

You attempt to wind the watch with the crown, but it doesn’t appear to do anything.  You assume maybe you have to pull it out first like some crowns do.  You pull it, but again nothing happens.  You then push it, and the entire screen changes to a weird circle-grid thing.  You’ve completely lost the watch face, and you panic, twiddling the crown.  The grid zooms out, in, and finally back to the watch face.  Not realizing that it actually has a touch screen, you then press the only other button you can see:  That big button that looks a lot like your iPhone’s sleep/wake button.  You lose the watch face again, the face being replaced by a picture of one of your friends, and several other things you didn’t want.  What? You had half-expected (though most likely fully expected) the watch to turn off, and you panic again, twiddling the crown.  This time, the watch face never returns, but instead the selector thing on the screen rotates, flipping through different photos.  You push in the side button again, and the screen returns to the watch face.  And then you assume you can’t wind it, and worry that there is a way to do it, but the watch might run out of spring before you can find it.

So yeah, not only  is the Digital Crown not intuitive, the entire first experience can be horribly not intuitive if you don’t read the manual first.

And do I really have to mention that reading the manual or watching one of Apple’s instruction videos and THEN knowing how to use the device doesn’t count as the device being intuitive?

Yes, the Apple Watch might be innovative, but that doesn’t mean it’s intuitive.

So let’s define “intuitive”:

From Google:

1. using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.

   “I had an intuitive conviction that there was something unsound in him”

   synonyms:

   instinctive, instinctual

   • (chiefly of computer software) easy to use and understand.

“Using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning”.

I can fail that immediately with the side button:  It looks WAY too much like your iPhone’s sleep/wake button.  You will feel immediately like that button will turn the watch off, because that specific shape has been burned into your head as basically an “on/off” switch.  And while that button DOES turn on and off the watch (because that totally makes sense to combine that with accessing your contacts), it also accesses your contacts, but you hold it to turn off the watch and REALLY APPLE?

[Actually if you’ve never seen an Apple device before then maybe it’s okay…but then you realize that the Apple Watch requires the iPhone for most functions :p]

“(Chiefly of computer software) easy to understand and use”

…see my description of the Digital Crown.  And the entire post for that matter.

So NO, the Apple Watch is NOT intuitive.

——————-

But what about innovative?

Well, yes indeed!  The S1 processor that powers the Apple Watch is clearly innovative.  It’s so small, and yet has so much in it.  The Apple Watch is about as powerful (if not more so) then the iPhone 5.  Maybe.

And Force Touch is innovative as well.  Pressing harder on the screen is a really cool thing…but it’s almost an admission that it’s tough to design for a small screen.

A lot of the innovation of the Apple Watch comes from the fact that Apple created super-tiny components in order to fit it all in a really small space.

——-

So yes, it’s innovative.  But not intuitive.

——

The iPhone was innovative AND intuitive because of all the physical skeuomorphism that the interface had.  The new iOS look is NOT immediately intuitive.

——

The iPad is the same thing, although it was innovative for a different reason.  It dramatically improved the creative space and made it much easier to design and work.

Is the iPhone itself innovative now?  Not really.

Is the iPad itself innovative now?  Not really.

Are they both intuitive by definition?  They were…not anymore.

Is the Apple Watch innovative now?  Yes.

Is it intuitive by definition?  Not at all.

[This post is an unofficial supplement to this post. If you don’t understand that post, then read this post.]

Everyone seems to expect the Watch to have That One Feature That Will Kill Everything Else.

The feature that everyone assumed the iPhone had after its release. The feature that everyone assumed the iPad had after its release.

Notice I said “AFTER its release”. That is important to my point here.

When Apple releases a new product, everyone flocks to the keynote expecting to hear “This new iXYZ will be the best and you will love it because it has X, and this X feature will change your life forever”.

Instead, they always seem to hear “This new iXYZ is an X and a Y and a Z, and it does this amazing thing where A B C D E F and G, it’s made out of Q and U X and FDGHKLEFTNKML…”

And then everyone panics because it seems Apple has lost its magic and succumbed to feature creep.

Well, I’m here to tell you that the second example is actually correct.

TO market a device with a lot of apps you can’t just go “This does X.” and leave it at that. That will only interest a few people.

You guys seem to want Apple to have JUST THAT ONE THING that will amaze everyone.

I need to take you through something:

Let’s go back to 2007, before the iPhone was released. Pretend you saw a development model and you KNOW what it might be. You see a flat device with a few buttons and indents and your assumption is that it might be a phone made by Apple.

Now remember: You don’t know what a touchscreen is, you don’t realize what such a boring-looking object can do.

Now what would you have the phone do?

1. Make calls
2. Handle voicemail
3. …uh.

Why’d I put that at number 3? Because that’s what a phone could do. And if the rumors are “a phone”, that is all you would think of.

But when the iPhone was released, Steve Jobs immediately said the iPhone could do three different things: Be a phone, play music, and browse the internet. And then he revealed more things as the keynote went on.

And the audience didn’t stare in confusion and assume Steve Jobs had lost it. Instead they clapped up a storm.

That being said, the audience didn’t stare in confusion when Tim Cook revealed the Watch either…

But the Watch is a weird case though. Because it has almost the smallest screen Apple’s ever designed, and yet it’s able (essentially at least) to do more than all the iPod Nanos combined. You don’t think a sane third-party app developer would create a drawing program on an Watch? Well Apple included one with Digital Touch: You can send a drawing to another person.

Well…without using up way too much time…THAT’S THE POINT.

It’s the same strategy Steve Jobs used with the iPhone: The Watch can do SO MUCH that you can make it what you want.

And that’s the real point: YOU make the killer feature.

HOWEVER…this seems to fall flat on its face when faced with the Watch’s implementation of the Photos app. When you first open this app, you’re faced with like a thousand photos all pressed in the screen at once. Sure you can tap to zoom into a group of photos, but good luck seeing anything at first.

Of course, this happens on the iPhone as well, if you zoom out to Collections, and then Years…

……FINE. Obviously there might be some execution issues, but the point remains: Maybe the question we should be asking isn’t “What is THE killer feature?” Maybe it should be “What is YOUR killer feature?”

Not to be confused with Steam Family Sharing which is apparently for no one.

Apple’s Family Sharing is a cool little service that lets you share purchases with family members.  If you don’t mind the 6 member limit, you can have a nice little sharing circle just like preschools have sometimes.

There is one problem with it.  And I have searched the Internet for a really long time, and no site has picked up on it.

All the family members defer to the Family Organizer in order to buy things.

…

That didn’t sound right;

All family members have to use the Family Organizer’s bank account.

…that sounded worse;

All family members have to use the Family Organizer’s money…oh fuck it.

That’s right:  ALL FAMILY MEMBERS ARE RESTRICTED TO THE FAMILY ORGANIZER’S BANK ACCOUNT AND CAN SUCK THE FAMILY ORGANIZER DRY FASTER THAN HE CAN SAY “OOPS”.

Unless you have a minor (a person under 13).  Then the minor has to ask permission.  Also, Apple recommends to pick the most reliable person.  Yes…pick the most reliable and honest person and suck them dry.  Thanks M.A. Larson—I mean Apple—I mean Kevin Lynch.

Well…this is awkward.

So, I need to have a talk with you guys.  Everything was kind of not handled, yeah?  From Bendgate (or the iPhone 6 Pluses bending and breaking), to iOS 8.0.1 not…being tested with iPhone 6 and 6 Plus?  Yes.  Really.

This theory…may be hard to take depending on how you think of things.

I’m going to step through this as slowly as I can so that you guys understand this.

——

Remember when I talked about the Maps issue?  Apple fired Scott at that point.  But they also fired another person from the Maps team…who actually appears to be more crucial then Apple thought he was.  Josh Williams.

And by fired I mean Apple moved Josh from iOS Maps Quality Assurance to General iOS Quality Assurance.

Josh suddenly had to handle so many more things than just “make sure Maps works”.  He had to make sure every single thing on iOS works, including Handoff, which includes the Mac software team.

Remember, Tim Cook is a stickler for collaboration.  He feels that every single team, be it iOS, Mac, or Apple Watch, should band together as one to make products people love and use every day.

So poor Josh, having to move from Maps, which doesn’t always include the Mac team, to general iOS stuff, which almost always (at least now) includes the Mac team, means that he has to manage basically two teams.  Now here’s the rub:  Since everyone is interacting with everyone, because that’s the very definition of collaborating:  Surprise!  I lied!  Everyone has to manage every single team.

Now, let’s think about what this means.

——

Currently, there are 4 real teams (that we know about):  iPhone, iPad, Watch, and Macintosh.  I don’t know what happened to the iPod team.

It looks like Tim Cook is wanting every device to talk to one another, and become one big hub for your data.  (YES.  APPLE COLLECTS DATA.  EVERYONE ELSE DOES TOO.  SHUSH UP.)  Tim Cook also wants the devices to embrace the user.  Yes, Steve Jobs did too, but Tim is way more lenient about how he does it.  He wants the user to have many more choices than what Apple has been offering before.  So, he made the system more open.  He introduced custom keyboards, he introduced Notification widgets.  Think of what this means for Apple’s teams:  the iPhone and iPad teams now have to deal with an entirely new category of possible viruses and code sections that can break, and two entirely new app environments.  Handoff requires the Mac and iOS teams to make a unified system to communicate full app states to each other.  The Watch introduces an entirely new team that has to make new innovations and create everything from scratch.

This is taxing for any company.  But Apple will get through it, right?  They only release products when they’re ready, correct?

Wrong.  I give you: iOS 8.0.1, the iPhone 6 Plus, and…Apple Watch.

——

I’m going to start with the iPhone 6 Plus, because, well, that phone should have worked, right?

In fact, it does work.  It works beautifully in every way.  It has a great camera, it runs very fast, Metal makes games look console-level, and everything is great (except Reachability, but OKAY FINE).  The only thing Apple didn’t seem to catch (and therefore Jony didn’t catch…somehow…) is that if you put the phone in your back pocket (assuming you can get it in there in the first place), and sit down, the radial pressure caused by your rounded buttock can bend the phone around its lengthwise axis, and, oddly, the material that the phone is made out of is not springy enough to bend itself back into place, so when you do take the phone out of your pocket, you will find that the phone is permanently bent around the middle.  Come the hell on, Apple!  Even I figured that out, and I don’t have an iPhone 6 Plus!

———

Now, for iOS 8.0.1.

This may rub some Apple fans the wrong way if they somehow have never heard of it.  And I am sorry.

So, iOS 8 apparently still had some problems with carrier signals and Safari and a few other things.  So, predictably, Apple released iOS 8.0.1, which was meant to fix those issues.  And it did…for every iPhone except the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus.  For those two iPhones only, iOS 8.0.1 completely destroyed them.  The iPhones started not being able to connect to cell towers at all, some iPhones said the Wi-Fi was fine but couldn’t connect, Touch ID completely broke.  It got so bad, that Apple literally had to take down the 8.0.1 update file from the update servers.  Then it released iOS 8.0.2, which was supposed to fix iOS 8.0.1, and also the problems that iOS 8.0.1 was supposed to fix in the first place.  But iOS 8.0.2 bricked my phone.  But then I got it working.  Why.

This isn’t making a lot of sense to you right now, but I got one more thing that will hint at the answer, and then I’ll tell you the answer.

———

Finally, the Apple Watch.  It is unfinished.

Yeah, Apple actually announced a product they weren’t done with yet.  It makes sense if you look at the home screen.  The home screen is composed of circular app icons, that shrink near the edges and gives you kind of a bubbly feeling when you move it around.  It seems to me like the Apple Watch they showed was only rectangular because that was the shape they were using in development, because that’s the shape all their other products are.  When the Apple Watch is released, it might be actually circular, and maybe the apps will be a little more cleaned up (the Photos app needs a lot of love though, right now it has none).

———

If you haven’t figured it out yet, here’s the answer:  Apple is doing way too much at once.

But not in terms of products, in terms of functionality.  Apple’s teams are stretched way too thin trying to cover Handoff, custom keyboards, and widgets, and Apple Watch, and OS X Yosemite, and whatever else they’re doing in secret.

This doesn’t mean the quality will drop.  No, I believe that Apple employees are so used to not doing ANYTHING until they’re sure they have a good idea, that they’ll just keep doing that even if the situation is dire and things are tense.

But little things will be skipped.  Not testing the iPhone 6’s rigidity height wise, for example.  Or not testing iOS 8.0.1 on the new phones (even though I think both of those problems are COMPLETE BULLSHIT…for a company, they’re the little things).

And now I have someone to blame!  Kevin Lynch!

I am really confused.

Who built the hardware again?  No I’m serious, that question is a valid one to me.

Take a look at the Digital Crown.  First of all, it’s not digital, it’s physical.  Second…it’s too small for anything!  When I first saw it I thought “Eh, you might not be able to twist the thing while it’s on your wrist, but I’ll just treat it like a computer mouse’s scroll wheel.”…well, then I took a massive amount of screenshots from the Apple ad depicting all the watch’s features…and I noticed the Digital Crown was way too small for even a mouse’s scroll wheel.  You have to be very precise to be able to turn the damn thing.  Sure it looks good in all the ads…but everything looks good in all the ads.

Keep in mind, that last thought is part of a huge theory I’m developing about Apple’s new and “improved” strategy for its product cycles.

SO…there is a massive amount of things we have to go over in order to understand everything about this watch.  And by the time you reach the end, at least some of you will have decided that the Watch is nothing but a big pile of poop.

——

The Boot Screen

–

Yes, I’m starting with the boot screen.  “But…why are you talking about the boot screen?”  You ask.  “Isn’t it just the same old white Apple logo?”

Well, no.  I’m actually only 99.95% convinced of this myself, but it was in the ads, and it looks like a possible boot screen to me, so here it is:

Yes, that is what I THINK the boot screen will be.  First off there is way too much on the screen especially if you’re not expecting it and it’s your first time booting up the watch.  Second, take a look at all the text in that boot screen.

From the top:

“38MM CASE ・316L STAINLESS STEEL ・SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL・CERAMIC BACK”

Ummm…we don’t need to know this.  Also, it’s cluttered.  Also, this is what it looks like in German (via Google Translate, I corrected formatting):

“38MM GEHÄUSE AUS · 316L EDELSTAHL  ·  SAPPHIRE CRYSTAL · KERAMIK ZURÃœCK”

It’s slightly longer.  Fit that in, Apple.  I hate this boot screen.

——

The Home Screen

–

So since the boot screen was so cluttered, what do you think the Home Screen will look like?  Well, it’s the first time you will interact with the watch, so it should be easy to navigate, yeah?  Well:

Yes, that’s the Home Screen.  It looks really cluttered, as in if you have fat fingers, you’re kind of SOL.  Also, that is 27 apps on that screen alone.  I counted.  And that is the first, undoctored screen.  The Digital Crown was not used to zoom out.  Wanna know what happens when you zoom out?  Because you can zoom out.  And this happens:

That is 50 apps.  I swear, I counted this too.  And that’s not even the total amount of apps on the watch.  Wanna know the total number?  64.  I didn’t count this one, my dad told me that someone else counted every single app that they showed, and the number was 64.  Sixty-four total apps on the stock version of the Watch.  You feeling okay, Apple?

——

The Photos App

–

Because it’s a thing:

That is all.  Please storm Apple Campus at your leisure.

I’m done.  I’m just done.

But there is one thing that interests me.  It’s that thing I termed IntiTalk in my last post:

I would really like this, actually.

But it has a few problems.

Yes, it’s an entirely new and intimate/interesting way to communicate, but…does it only work on the Watch?  Because if it does…what if you don’t have an Watch?  Where does the message go?  I mean, I guess the Taptic Engine signals can cue the iPhone’s vibrator into action, and the images you send each other can be iMessage images on the iPhone…but that’s a little clunky.  Is there a hidden screen in iOS 8 that mimics an Watch’s screen when this sort of message is received [god dammit, I keep typing “iWatch”]?

There are things Apple needs to say.  Like, a lot of things.  Like, battery life.

I don’t know if any of you noticed, but do you remember Apple talking about the Watch’s battery life?  I don’t.  The only place I heard about it was from a news article about some person getting the information through an Apple employee during the demo after the keynote:  About a day.

I saw that coming.  The Watch does so much shit that it’s surprising it doesn’t get really really hot.  Or maybe it does, I don’t know!

What am I going to do with you, Apple…what is going on?  What happened?  Did Jony lose half his brain?  Did Jony get trapped in his white box of a design studio?  Did Tim Cook fail to imitate Steve?

That’s one thing everyone needs to stop yelling about.  Tim Cook will not be able to imitate Steve.  Did anyone read the part in Tim’s history when Steve Jobs, as he was dying, basically said “Don’t ever start thinking about what I would have done.  I have seen too many companies freeze up and stop moving forward because all they could think about was what their predecessor would have done.”

So this is the new world order.  I hope you guys like this.  I’ll get used to it.

I will also make it even worse, so if you’re already crying, stop reading now.

——

Apple hired someone who used to work with Flash at Adobe

–

NOW GO CRY IN A CORNER

I swear, I didn’t make this up.  Apple hired Kevin Lynch, former CTO (Chief Technology Officer) of Adobe for its Watch Software division.  Tim Cook is pulling out all the stops, forget this thing.

That is all I will say.

WOW